There it was. Another occasion and not one that doesn’t come without expectations.
Party hats and champagne,
Friends and family,
Celebratory laughter and happiness,
Hope and faith for anew and then those damn
Who invented the concept that the New Year marks new lives, new choices, new goals, new beginnings, new opportunities, new identities, new jobs, new relationships, new homes, new cars, new everything anyway? As if we don’t feel enough pressure. Then, I’d like to know who figured that January 1st would be the day for resolutions anyhow? As if we’re not already entirely exhausted and failing to recuperate from the carousel ride of holidays from October to December?
I started to feel anxious about it. I started to feel like a failure. I was just catching my breath from Christmas and then here comes another day filled with expectations that I would inevitably fail at meeting. I desperately needed a new lens to look out of, but where is the time to formulate these creative and innovative ideas? Oh and let’s not forget Pinterest. Don’t even attempt to go up there. I went to get a crock-pot recipe and was inundated with all of the million ways in which I hadn’t developed quirky and clever goals in mason jars and bulletin boards. Just when I thought I weathered Christmas pretty darn well, here comes New Years to remind me that I hadn’t reached the finish line yet.
I felt overcome with how I would realistically manage to map a timeline for the next year of my life, marriage and motherhood in less than 24 hours. Is that even possible? I know it’s not, but tell the rest of the world that.
Then, I came across something through Glennon Doyle Melton’s site that was as if she was lending me a necessary oxygen mask. I could breath and suddenly I felt lighter. It was like someone handed me a permission slip and said, “It’s okay.” Truth is, I needed it and I believe so many of us do. It speaks to expectations, perfections, timing and the right to just be.
For me it was a necessary reminder that it’s okay to be exactly where I am. Unsure, uncertain and unable to envision tomorrow, let alone the next year of my life. That it’s okay to create my own timetable and that even if New Years didn’t wait for me, I didn’t have to wait for it either. In that moment, I realized that there were many things on this list that spoke to me. Which ones speak to you?
“Being awake to carry my grain of sand is enough.”
Ouch. That one slapped me. Hard too. On the days I beat myself up for not creating, doing, accomplishing, communicating, giving, loving, sharing, working, parenting, apologizing, teaching and knowing enough; this told me that what I have to carry is enough.
Happy New Year, even if a few days late. According to this, I can start a Revolution in my own time.
Thank you Glennon Doyle Melton for showing me this and for Mary Anne Perrone for giving me necessary permission to throw out an unnecessary timeline of waiting and expectations.
In Love & Truth,